This is my Now

I wouldn't classify myself as a happy person. I feel happy sometimes when I do something for someone. I love the look on their face when I can catch them by surprise by something I say to them. Making other people feel good makes me feel good. My moments of happiness always involve someone else, and it's always when I do something, just because. Perhaps it's like a recipe...maybe I have the ingredients right, but I'm not really mixing and meshing them correctly.

I've decided that this is my time to start living. This is my Now. I'm 24 years old. I've wanted so badly to have my own family...I want to have a baby. But I want to do it right. I want to have someone to go home to, someone to wake up next to, someone to share my happy moments with...someone I'm ecstatic to introduce to my family. I want someone to want those things from me, back. I want to fight over who is balancing the checkbook and who's getting up to coddle the crying baby in the middle of the night. I want someone to discover all that I have to offer in little bitty Me. I want all of that. That's my American Dream. I already have the good job...now I need someone to share myself with.

So, here is the plan: I have to take myself out of my comfort zone. Since I was 17, the moment a relationship has gotten too deep, I've freaked out and taken a hike. I've been justifying it to myself blaming it on the rape, but I can only do that for so long. I need to make a life with someone else now. I have come a long way, and I love myself enough now to say and believe that it would be a waste if I didn't put myself out there a little bit and let someone love me. It might not be comfortable for me, getting there, but I have to. To get these things I want...all the pieces of my American Dream, I have to be open. I have to let someone else know me; I mean really Know me. I have to show people who I am and that I am secure and love who I am...and pray like hell that someone else will love me, too. I want this so bad, I can think of little else. So here's to a change of priorities. When someone catches my eye, I'm going to put myself in a situation that enables me to converse with them, make eye contact, and get hooked. Apparently the eye contact part is important, because from what I have been told, that is where my personality shines. So, I'm ready. It's all or nothin...and I have to act now while I'm in my prime, or this ultimate dream of mine is going to pass me by and I'll end up some lonely crumpled sad waste of a wonderful life. I'm puttin my game face on, and I'm ready for this. I'm ready for all of it. It's not a race, it's a marathon. To everyone reading this, pray for me to find my dream.

Be a best friend, tell the truth, and overuse I Love You. Go to work, do your best, don't outsmart your common sense. Never let your prayin' knees get lazy, and love like crazy ♥

God bless, I love you all.