October

In honor of the upcoming month of October, I am posting this prose I wrote last year for someone I love very much. You know who you are. Thank you for making October my favorite...and I hope to have many more favorite Octobers with you. I love you. --Rin

In my head, in me, is October. October is sitting cross-legged on the living room carpet inches from me, staring. Staring and learning, reading, seeing the stripped-down version, growing. October is seeing scars no one knows about, filling in the blanks from conversations she never understood. October is posing in front of a red wall for black-and-white's. It's peeling off face paint after a late night of walking, laughing, living. October is cleaning out slimy seeds with a spoon, watching the stolen prize take take shape, giving it a face. October is letting me show her how it feels to dance in the rain. October is feeling, allowing myself to crumble in her arms waiting for a train to erase me and sketch me back in six hours away. October is trusting me, showing me I trust October, getting attached for life, and giving her my heart. October is helping me get over the loss of a child, a mother, a broken girl left behind. October is loving me exactly as I am, and I am loving October back.

This is my Now

I wouldn't classify myself as a happy person. I feel happy sometimes when I do something for someone. I love the look on their face when I can catch them by surprise by something I say to them. Making other people feel good makes me feel good. My moments of happiness always involve someone else, and it's always when I do something, just because. Perhaps it's like a recipe...maybe I have the ingredients right, but I'm not really mixing and meshing them correctly.

I've decided that this is my time to start living. This is my Now. I'm 24 years old. I've wanted so badly to have my own family...I want to have a baby. But I want to do it right. I want to have someone to go home to, someone to wake up next to, someone to share my happy moments with...someone I'm ecstatic to introduce to my family. I want someone to want those things from me, back. I want to fight over who is balancing the checkbook and who's getting up to coddle the crying baby in the middle of the night. I want someone to discover all that I have to offer in little bitty Me. I want all of that. That's my American Dream. I already have the good job...now I need someone to share myself with.

So, here is the plan: I have to take myself out of my comfort zone. Since I was 17, the moment a relationship has gotten too deep, I've freaked out and taken a hike. I've been justifying it to myself blaming it on the rape, but I can only do that for so long. I need to make a life with someone else now. I have come a long way, and I love myself enough now to say and believe that it would be a waste if I didn't put myself out there a little bit and let someone love me. It might not be comfortable for me, getting there, but I have to. To get these things I want...all the pieces of my American Dream, I have to be open. I have to let someone else know me; I mean really Know me. I have to show people who I am and that I am secure and love who I am...and pray like hell that someone else will love me, too. I want this so bad, I can think of little else. So here's to a change of priorities. When someone catches my eye, I'm going to put myself in a situation that enables me to converse with them, make eye contact, and get hooked. Apparently the eye contact part is important, because from what I have been told, that is where my personality shines. So, I'm ready. It's all or nothin...and I have to act now while I'm in my prime, or this ultimate dream of mine is going to pass me by and I'll end up some lonely crumpled sad waste of a wonderful life. I'm puttin my game face on, and I'm ready for this. I'm ready for all of it. It's not a race, it's a marathon. To everyone reading this, pray for me to find my dream.

Be a best friend, tell the truth, and overuse I Love You. Go to work, do your best, don't outsmart your common sense. Never let your prayin' knees get lazy, and love like crazy ♥

God bless, I love you all.

The long road

I'm writing this nearing the end of day two with my splint. It's supposed to get my jaw back in place, and it's supposed to be painless but it's not. My mouth is sore...the splint needs to be adjusted because it's pinching and ripping at the skin at the back of my cheeks. It's getting super raw and part of the problem might be that it's a tad loose. I've taken some tools to it to tighten it up a bit but now my teeth hurt from being too tight. Apparently this thing has to be just perfect. I can't afford to drive to Wauwatosa every day to get the thing adjusted.

I get to take it out when I eat, but it's not really a relief at all. My jaw muscles are so sore that it hurts to chew anything so I'm on a soup and water diet for the next couple of months. I can't wait to get this over with and only have to wear it at night because I am getting shit like you wouldn't believe from my lovely juvenile co-workers. I can't exactly talk well with the thing and they try and provoke certain words or phrases out of me only to point and laugh because it sounds like I'm "special." Seriously? I understand being entertained the first day...but at some point can't you just get over it and bear with me? People need to grow up...just sayin.

On a good note, I'm watching the a volleyball match on the Big 10 network...first indoor match on tv that I've caught of the season. It's cheering me up a bit. Sorry for all of my excessive complaining. I won't whine about the jaw thing anymore...now it's out of my system and I'll tough it up and deal with it.

Unfortunately I've nothing else to write about right now. Indoor starts October 6th and I can't WAIT to get back out there and knock some heads. Until I have something else to write about...