What it is to LIVE

It's been far too long...and I never finished my "Seven Days" blog from Memorial Day 2009, but I won't apologize, but I will explain.



First...what it is to LIVE: These past 12 months have brought me so much. I've brushed with incredible emotional pain, found the stunning beauty in little things, felt truly happy and deeply sad, temedously astonished with the growth these experiences have brought me. That is what it is to live. You lose, you love, you lose some that you love. You smile a lot, laught a lot, cry a lot, dwell a lot on the things you should have done but didn't. Of course hindsight is 20/20. That is, afterall, how you grow and learn from your experiences. To l ive, is to feel it all, to LET yourself feel it all without fearing the fall. Letting yourself lean on someone else without feeling guilty, using your friends knowing they don't mind...that's living. Give and take, pain and happiness...you're not truly living unles it is all there. And until you have known handship, struggle, you can never fully appreciate what "the good stuff."



That said, unfortunately these past 12 months have seen more of my tears than smiles. This coming Tuesday, Beth will have gone into a coma one year ago. It is creeping up on me so fast. It feels like yesterday. I'm still waiting for phone calls from her on the holidays, still can't delete her from my phone. I took on this massive project to put all of her emails into some sort of bound form, all in one hardcopy. I had nearly 600 emails (just FROM her, I don't have any of the emails I sent to her) and could have easily been done typing them all out by now. I am not even halfway finished. I'm having problems with the thought of finishing. I'm scared that I won't feel this close to her once I'm finished. I'm ecentially reading all of them again as I type and they bring the memories to the forefront and they feel real again. What happens when I'm done?