Not ready

for this. Not even close. I remember when my closest friend lost her mom. She called me at my parent's house that same day to tell me the news. I felt proud to be considered a good enough friend to her to get the news straight from her. But I was overcome with sadness for her. All I could do was watch her go through it.

You realize you can't save your friend, you can't make the pain easier, and you can't go through it for them. You have to hope she comes out of it the same friend, and that she'll remember you and come to you when she needs to. All you can do is make sure they know you got their back. But even if you realize all of that, that you can do nothing, you can't understand or grasp their pain until you go throw something like it yourself.

I lost Beth a year ago next Tuesday. These last few days I have been consumed by it. I've cried most nights for the past week. I feel like I can't breathe all over again. I don't really have any words for what it feels like but sadness. I feel so sad and that doesn't even seem to cover it. But you won't understand, you won't read this and get it. It's too much. I guess I'm a bit scared, too. It feels like it was yesterday, but it's been a year already. What scares me is time. Each day that passes is one more that I lived without her. The more time that passes, the less detailed my memories will be and the harder it will be to hold her close. I can still feel her even now. I feel her watching me sleep when the moon shines through my window. I feel her surrounding me when I stand in the rain. I saw this bird the other day that sat on my hood and looked me in the eye for a bit, and I knew it was her checking up on me. These things may not be real but they make me feel better. Sometimes they make me sad though, because they remind me I'll never talk to her again...or at least not when she can talk to me back.

Beth, if you're trudging around in my thoughts-- I miss you so much, and I love you with all my heart, but I can't seem to let you go. Please stay with me tomorrow. Stay with all of us; Laurence, grandpa, Shannon, great-grandma, and yes-even Jim. We can't get through this anniversary if you're not with us.

Paz, amor y espiritu.
Por siempre fuerte.
10.7.1950 - 8.24.2009
Te amo Isabella.