I don't want to feel anymore

A really great friend of mine told me years ago while I was struggling with depression that you have to let yourself feel it. Let yourself feel everything. Normally I will take on anything stressful with those words in mind. Don't try to avoid it, just take it head on and it won't be as bad as putting it off or trying to act like it doesn't exist.

Ok...so I'm feeling everything right now and I want out. I feel Beth but she's not there...I feel excited to go back to school but I can't afford it. I feel sick from some flu bug...and I obviously don't want to feel that. Maybe everything else that I am feeling is magnified BECAUSE I'm sick. Or maybe it actually is a lot to feel right now and I'm looking for excuses. Who knows. But I want out.

Lot's going on in the next 8 days: Tomorrow is mom's birthday, and also the last day of softball for the summer. I am still waiting for my July check from the city. I don't think I can follow-through on my Friday plans if I don't have the check by then because I need that check for gas money and food...anyway, moving on. Monday (and Wednesday) I'm cleaning so Bob can come by this weekend and install the programmable thermostat and a water saving shower thingy. Tuesday I will see Leah, like every Tuesday night. Wednesday...cleaning as I said above. Thursday, volleyball tournament (which we are going into as first place team). Friday...tentatively driving up to the Dells after work to visit Pete and Dorothy and the kids (if I get that check from the city). Saturday is the BIG como volleyball tournament, free pig roast and stuffs. Sunday, nothing really...and NEXT Monday is my TMJ consultation (cross our fingers I have enough remaining insurance coverage to the year to take care of the hardware I'll have to get), and the first night of bowling. So big week ahead: lots of volleyball, TMJ consult, cleaning....and somehow I need to try my best and get overtime in there because I really need the money.

I know, I know. I'm just complaining. Notice I failed to mention Tuesday will be hell...as will tomorrow and Monday in anticipation. I haven't been here before...and everyone is telling me the first year is the hardest. I need love and thoughts on Tuesday, peeps. Thank you in advance for the light you bring to my life.