Way Too Long

Obvious to the title, it's been way too long since I've blogged. I just kind of forgot about it, got busy, worked too much....then I remembered it again. And it feels good to write again. I used to journal a lot and then I found blogging. I can't believe I spent so much time NOT blogging. It helps talk things out, even if it's only to myself. And then I can reread things from however long ago and see how much I've grown. I'm at least semi-happy now, less dependent on the presense or others, more capable, and stable. I'm still sort of a slob sometimes around the house...it gets bad and then don't clean until someone is coming over, which is never. I don't have any girlfriends my age that would come over for the hell of it and just relax or anything. I have Stephanie (not to be confused with my other friend Stephaney -notice the ey on the end), but she has three kids (whom I love) and a live-in boyfriend/baby daddy, and we can't just go out together anymore or just hang out. Even when she lived at home her parents would watch the kids and put them to bed for a night on the weekends so we could have some one-on-one time. Now she's got no babysitter, and Nathan doesn't let her go out with me because he doesn't trust her. Not to mention he also doesn't like me, mostly because he knows I don't like him. Randee and Steven are in Italy for like 8 years....ugh. Leanne is thirty something, married...with a crazy busy life...I can't even talk to her anymore. She gets too jealous of my other friendships and shuts off to me. Stephaney is just entirely too busy and sometimes clueless that I want to get close to her...and she is also thirty something...as is Cat....I'm running out of people here. It really sucks and I work too much and go out too little to make new friends or meet any guys to hang out with...man. So maybe I'm not so semi-happy. Just ok. Which sucks because I didn't realize it. maybe the blogging thing isn't so great! Eesh!

I wrote a letter to Beth two weeks ago. I haven't heard from her, and I really didn't expect to. I don't deserve to. I haven't talked with her/contacted her since October, I think. She's been in and out of extremely serious condition and I keep almost making last minute plans to drive and be with her in her final days...only they never actually end up being her final days. They keep saying so but it's never the case...so what will happen next time grandma goes down there without telling me, and it really is the end, and I don't get to say goodbye? What happens when I don't get to tell her I'm sorry for being so silent in the past six months...that I'm sorry I forgot to tell her I love her for the past six months...that I haven't reminded her how much she means to me? And do those things matter right now? Her health is so bad she likely doesn't care much. She probably figures I forgot about her. She's still like a mother to me in my heart (kind of like Maria) and if she goes I think it will feel just as strong as losing a mother.

Speaking of Maria...I really never thought I'd have to watch her leave. I kept thinking she wasn't serious when she would joke around about saying one day she'd leave this place. Well, she wasn't. I showed up at her house once begging her not to go, sobbing in her arms. It didn't work. I didn't expect it to, and now that I think about it, it was completely selfish to ask her not to go. She is happy down there and I'm glad, but I wish the pain from watching her go, would go away, or lessen. It hasn't, and it too has been nearly six months. She and I are trying to plan a time for me to go and visit her but she's got another surgery she has to schedule and wants to recover from before I go so that she and I can spend some serious time together. She had been gone for nearly two weeks before I finally got her to call me back and I cried when I heard her voice again. We talked for a long time, and she emails me when she can, but I think it makes it worse. Maybe I cry too much, because I do cry when she writes because I miss her so much and how she treats me...well, like a daughter. I didn't have to tell her that she's my other mom, she just told me one day during a flute-piano session that I'm the daughter she didn't have. So it's mutual and that is a wonderful connection, but it makes it harder to be away from her. I may or may not have mentioned in a previous blog that she had become my happy place. Ever slow song I hear about missing a loved one, every church bell I hear, every time I play my flute, I think of her and still can't believe she is gone. And now she is begging me to go back to the church and sing under Michelle. I can't do it. 1) she can't direct, or play piano, and 2) she isn't Maria. The one time I sang under Michelle I felt all of my dignity disappear. I was embarrassed to sing with her as the director. It was a disaster, and I wanted to run and hide because that's not our choir. That's not the well-received, highly praised Saint Andrew's choir. Maybe I just miss my mom. And maybe I should tell her that, again. Just to make sure she knows :)

Volleyball was great today. There's a 2-hr open gym at DDHS on Sunday's. It's fun, fast-pace, good volleyball. Today I was full of energy for a good half hour...then all of a sudden it crashed. I served the ball, nearly fell over...my hearing became muffled like I wasn't really there...my vision got darker somehow though I could still see...and I felt sick to my stomach. Ooops...I forgot to eat today before volleyball at 4. I get busy doing stuff, or sometimes doing nothing...don't feel hungry and then forget to eat before exerting myself. Thankfully we were going to the Chicken and Ribs benefit dinner at The Village after we were done playing. The food was good...the chicken anyway. The ribs were cold and lacking in flavor. What can I say...the only other ribs I've eaten have been Pete's...so I've been spoiled ;) Maybe normal ribs don't taste like anything either.

Work is nuts. We are in panic mode in shipping. We are a strong team but they keep piling more and more on us than is physically humanly impossible. But we have to do it anyway. So I'm always tired, I need a Cat backrub, my feet are raw, and I think I may be losing it. I find little comfort in music these days. It makes me forget, but only while I'm listening to it. Music has always been my anchor, my solace, my one true outlet that never lets me down. It heals, it soothes, comforts, encourages, and helps me to ecape. But, when you have no time to cool out and listen to it, it can't really help. I've been falling asleep lately to my ipod playing lightly through my earbuds. It's the only way I can fall asleep anymore. I wake up tangled in the earbud cord, but it does the trick when I need some shut-eye. I have a busy schedule this week...12 hours Monday through Friday...I work at the lanes also from 6-close on Friday...and then Saturday after SPX I also have to work... 5-close at the lanes. It's insane. Maybe I need to retire and find some ill old guy with lots of money. I'll get him drunk every night and stick strippers on him...get up in the morning and say "oh honey you were great last night" and he'll never know the difference. Then he dies and I get rich...and then I can do whatever I wanna instead of having to work to survive. Or maybe I should shut the fuck up and just be eternally grateful that I have such a safe, secure job right now...actually 2 to be exact (soon to be 3). Softball starts soon...on Mother's Day though...so soon I'll have three jobs. Yikes! Somehow I'll get through it all. I always do. Everything always works out the way it's meant to. I just have to remember that fact, and all will be well. One breath at a time, until all of a sudden everything really is ok. Thanks for listening to me talking in circles again...and hopefully I'll blog again soon. Toodles!