So I have not been doing so great mentally lately. Nothing like self-doubts or any of that though. I've just been taking my life in for all that it is, and it sucks because I always come to one conclusion. I have my own place (sort of), a lovely kitty, a great paying job, a reliable car. Then there are the "things" that I have; a nice big tv, a fat dvd collection, a homeade coffee table, my great grandmother's dining table, lots of furniture, and soon to have the second generation (or so I would call it) iPhone. On top of that, there are the things I'm good at. I can paint, I can draw...ok so let's just clump all of that into being artistic. I also have been blessed with the gift of talent with music, both vocally and instrumentally. I am good at volleyball, I'm good at taking extra special care of my kitty, I am good at making sure that those closest to me know it. Hmm. I'm good at making people smile, I'm super good at hugging...and I'm sure there's lots of other stuffs too. I'm smart, and I love to learn-which is why I'm working on taking advantage of the tuition reimbursement program at work...So I have all of these blessings, but there are a couple of elements missing. One of those things is a group of friends. Just people to go shopping with, sit around with, play games with, go to summerfest with, watch fireworks with...just people to do shit with. Ya know? I have a few select really close friends, only one of which is even close to my age. Unfortunately she is the farthest away. She is in Georgia with her husband, preparing for a 3-year stint in Italy. She's probably the closest to what I described as being missing in my life, but I can't do anything with her, we can't hang out because of how far away she is. She's a lot like me, and I love her like a sister. I have Cat, who is probably the greatest friend I could EVER ask for. I can go places with her and hang out, I can just sit around doing nothing with her, no matter what we're doing I'm so enjoying her company. And she's the only person I give my special hugs to, which really has to say something :) But she's married, and has a life of her own, and she too, lives just out of reach, in Madison with a crazy-busy life. I have Leanne, too. She's the best confidant I could ever hope for in a friend (Cat is too, though...I forgot to mention). She's always asking me how I am, and when she asks, she's fully prepared for whatever answer. She is also always happy to see me. I walk into a room and she instantly has the brightest smile on her face, without fail. I confide in her and she confides in me. She tells me so many good things about myself when I need to hear it most. Things I already know, and things she tells me all of the time, but that are still unbelievably wonderful to hear from time to time. She tells me how good of a person I have, how big my heart is, how fantastic of a friend I am, and then also, how good I can make her feel in return. And I haven't needed it in a really long time, but when I was working with her at Barker I was also going through a really tough personal place. I didn't feel so great about myself, didn't feel I had much to offer...she used to hold my face. I used to avoid eye contact and she just held my face and wouldn't let me look away. "Look at me, no LOOK AT ME don't look away," She said that right after told me I'm beautiful and loving and blah blah blah. She also used to just hold me, for full minutes at a time, until I was ready to let go. It was like I needed something to hold onto, someone to lean on for a while, and so she's turned into that kind of friend. The friend to talk to when you need to talk. And I love her dearly, but she's not the kind of friend you go to summerfest with or just hang out with. She, like Cat is in her late 30's. While we can relate a lot, it's not the same as having a group of friends closer to your own age to hang out with all the time. Not to mention she also has a busy life and a family of her own. Now here I am rattling on when I still haven't gotten to the second thing that is missing. Love. Not friend or family love. Lover love. (Not to sound funny) I want to be able to call him and ask how his day was, and hear the relief in his voice that I care and I will listen. I want to have that guy who's company I ache for on the days we don't see each other. I want to feel that flutter when I see his name on caller ID. That guy to watch fireworks with, who without a second thought would drop what we were doing to go to a movie or whatever, just to do something together. Someone who might rearrange his schedule if I needed him for something. Someone to win over my family, and someone to go on trips with, to take camping. Someone who is excited and ready to jump in head first into getting to know my life, and mingling in with it, and who's life I want to intertwine with, too. Someone who I will drop my plans, just to hang out with him....to drive hours to see his family with, to be able to talk to on the phone without it getting awkward. Someone who loves and respects me enough to wait for me to be ready to share myself with him (if you know what I mean). Someone who isn't going to fault me for the past I have, someone to wake up thinking about, someone to call in the middle of the night becuse I couldn't fall asleep until I hear his voice. I want to be in a relationship again, but for some reason I don't seem to attract the kind of guys I would date. And not to mention I want to be friends with a guy, get to know him BEFORE I jump into a dating situation. So it makes it kinda hard when I don't really know any guys anymore. I used to have that head=turning factor, I used to get a lot of requests for my phone number...but I'm not that hot little thing anymore, and I'm not entirely sure I want that kind of attention anyway. So what do I do now? I don't have any of those friends to go hang out with anywhere, to put myself in a situation where I might meet someone. I'm fucked.
So I just wake up everyday completely disappointed. And maybe my thoughts lately have been tied a little bit to finding out that Timothy flew back to England when I denied him, to ask his girlfriend over THERE to marry him. WHAT THE FUCK! So I know that I was the one to said no to him, but it doesn't make it easier to hear. It makes me happy I said no, but makes me question whether he meant it, or was just looking to settle with whomever said yes. And to so quickly ask for someone else's partnership for life, so soon after he had aready asked me, makes me feel like shit and question everything about the relationship we had. From beginning to end, even when I loved him to the ends of the earth. When I found out about him and Kayla, I just kind of broke. I never don't know what to do. I always find some answer, I always kind of have a plan. But when I found out, it made me ask God, "Where do I go from here?" And how do I find a connection with someone again." I know he's there somewhere, someone I've yet to meet, and I know he's close, because I feel like I can smell it (even if that oesn't make sense). But where do I go from here? And how do I remain patient when I get so lonely, and long for it so badly most days, that I makes me want to cry. Someone point me the right direction. Where the hell do I go from here?
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