The Secret

Without giving away The Secret, I'll kind of say a little bit about it for the purpose of a better explanation of my confusion. The Secret=The Law of Attraction. Like attracts like, contrary to what everyone else says, that opposites attract. So, naturally if like attracts like, youthin positively, consume your thoughts with feelings of love and happiness, and you shall find love and happiness. Same thing goes for imgining the things you want in life. I used to go down to the point when I lived with the rents, at night, in the summer, and sit on the shore line of the lake with my eyes closed, feeling the breeze and imagining I already had all of the things I want. Naturally, like attracts like, so the Universe rearranges itself to bring you the things you want. You have to block out all things negative. Resist he feelings of anxiety, tension, fear, insecurities, and doubt. If you want something but don't believe with all that you are, that you will have it, then it won't come to you. Any contradicting feelings and the Universe reads the negativity and gives you the opposite of what you want. So naturaly I'm freakng out a little bit about the fact that I'm happy to have Capri, I love her...and I'm happy to have my place, but I feel angst about being in financial distress due to all of the things I needed to get for the condo. And I didn't realize how much the overtime helps. I received my first check ever from SPX with only 80 hours on it. I wasn't really anticipting it so I'm strapped for cash...gas money and a car payment, and not to mention groceries. Eating healthy is not cheap so for the past two weeks (and for the two weeks to come) I will be living off of Ramen noodles, diet cola, water, apples, sugar free jello, light yogurt, hot dogs, and PB&J. I can't afford Subway even once, I have $30 worth of league bowling to pay for....praying that my tax returns come soon. Of course, I have to get my damn W2's before I can even file....and I should have gotten another raise on Friday but as per fucking usual Tim dropped the ball. We are supposed to get our 5% bonus in March sometime, that will help, too. Ugh. I don't know what to feel really and I'm worried about the negative thoughts I'm sending out. Hard to push them out though. Gotta work on that. Cat, you should really read The Secret. I guarantee it has the potential to make you a happy person every single day. My laptop battery is about to die so I will blog more soon, perhaps tomorrow. I have one more thing to write about though quick. It caught me off guard. Today, my mom told me that no mater what mode I'm in or what I'm going through, good or bad, she is my biggest fan. I had questions but I didn't know what to think really. Biggest fan for what, since when, and I wanted to know what she was referring to...and where the hell it came from (seemingly out of the blue). For some reason I was weighing the merit on her word. Anyway...that's it. Goodnight!

Baby gate

HAHAHA scared ya didn't I?! Don't worry, it's for Capri....who is my baby anyway. I've been pricing out some extra-tall gates at Wally World. They have a 41" tall swing gate by Regalo for $38.76, and a 39.4" tall swing gate by Dream Baby for $62.85. I'm thinkin the taller the better so she stays downstairs...and it just happens to be the cheaper one! Problem is, according to the site, it's not sold at the Delavan store or the Janesville store. So...I will have to get it sent to the store (which is free) but that will take 7-10 days. Which totally sucks. I don't want to keep her cooped up in my room that long. You should see her when she has free-range. She so happy. Anyway, I'm heading to Wally World after work real quick just to make sure they don't have it, before I order it to get sent to the store. That's that I guess. Stupid blog, really.

Gotta run, break time was over five minutes ago!

With You

Caution ahead, long story proceeding. Timothy (ex-Tim, not bossman-Tim) had all of a sudden popped back into my life about a year and a half ago. He expected me to just take him back like nothing had happened, like he hadn't left me when I needed him the most, like he didn't leave. I told him no so many times. He just wouldn't give up. We eventually just started talkin, like friends I suppose, even though we were never just friends...I went out to his place one night and in the worst weak moment of my life I gave in to my old feelings and gave him what he wanted. I let him have me. Of course I realized my horrible mistake right after we were done. In doing that with him again, he'd think he had a chance. And he didn't. I broke, for a moment, and I will forever REGRET it. I went out there again because he wouldn't quite callin me and I had a chance to get my thoughts together so I told him it was done. I told him to stop callin, stop askin for me back, stop making me promises that he wouldn't leave again, promising I could trust him now, and other things. I told him to never call again, never come see me again, never IM me or email me or myspace-me again. He cried, and it was hard, so hard for me to tell him all of that, but I thought it would give me strength. How did I know he wouldn't bounce whenever things got hard? How could I possibly trust him? I knew I had made the right decision, the best thing for me, but my heart was fighting it. My heart ached so bad for him, wondering if I made a mistake, resisting all of the reasons I had for shutting him out, and questioning if I could get over him. I'm still all a mess about him but my trip out to Mulligan's the other night didn't help anything. I went out there with a few friends, just dancin...not to get drunk, although I had a couple beers. I noticed almost right away that he was there but tried to ignore it. I happened to be there with Ryan, this guy that wants me so bad...but I was a good girl...I'm not interested in Ryan *and he knows it* and I didn't try to show out in front of Tim by dancin on Ryan or anything, I behaved myself. He came over after about an hour and he said he had somethin for me. Now I realize one of my WONDERFUL FUCKING FRIENDS must have tipped him off that I was going to be there, or planned it that way on purpose. Timothy got down on his knee and told me that he knew he made some mistakes that can't be forgotten but that if I said no he'd never marry another girl, that I was it for him. He told me that I'd never find someone else who could know me so well inside and out, knew my strenghts and my weaknesses and loved them both alike, who could read me like a book, who would make me feel loved for the rest of my life. Instead of saying no in front of everyone I found my keys, turned around and walked out. I left him there on the dance floor, on his knee, everyone staring in silence. I have to admit, that even that (very small comparison to the damage done when he left me) made me feel like shit. I don't understand how he could have done it to me. Now I sit here every night listening to the song he made sure was playing while he asked me to marry him, crying because I know I let go of an amazing kind of love that I will probably never find again. And I hate that I have to hurt from it, that I can't just stand back up, wipe my face off, and keep going, start over or whatever. I'm trying but I just keep playing the song and crying, thinking about how badly this hurts, wondering if I majorly fucked up, but knowing I can't be with someone I can't trust...I just can't do it. It hurts just as much as it did when I realized he was gone two and a half years ago.

You feel like you're going to die from how much pain you have in your heart, and you wonder how many tears you could possibly have, but they keep coming anyway. You pick up the phone and almost hit the green button about a million times, but can never do it, and you don't know if it's because your hand is shaking so bad, or because it would go against what you knew is really right in the end. You flip your pillow over about ten times a night because you keep getting it wet...take cold showers in the morning hoping it wakes you up because you couldn't sleep at night...you go through a ton of Tylenol PM and about three boxes of kleenex before you realize it's pointless because there's no end in sight. You go to work walking around like a zombie, but looking gorgeous as ever because you don't want anyone to know, and you don't tell anyone because no one can possibly understand, and you just don't want to tell the story because it takes too long. Well here's the story.

Here are the lyrics to the song he had playin that night. It's a slower song, though it doesn't look like it just by looking at the lyrics. I think you can get a sample of the song on amazon.com under Chris Brown's "Exclusive" record. Anyway....

With You sung by Chris Brown

I need you boo, (Ooh) I gotta see you boo (Hey) And the hearts all over the world tonight, Said the hearts all over the world tonight [x2][Verse 1] Hey! Little mama, Ooh, you a stunna Hot..lil figure, Yes, you a winner And im so glad to be yours, You're a class all your own And.. Ooh, little cutie When..you talk to me I swear..the whole world stops You're..my sweetheart And im so glad that you are mine You are one of a kind and.. [Bridge] You mean to me What i mean to you and.. Together baby, There is nothing we won't do Cos if i gotchu, I don't need money, I don't need cars, Girl, you're my all. And.. [Chorus] Oh! I'm into you, And girl, No..one else would do, Cuz with every kiss and every hug, You make me fall in love, And now I..know I can't be the only one, I bet his heart's all over the world tonight, With the love of his life who feel.. Wat i feel when i'm With you [x5]Girl.. With you [x5][Verse 2] Oh Girl! I don't want nobody else, Without you, there's no one left then, You're like Jordans on Saturday, I gotta have you and I cannot wait now, Hey! little shawty, Say..you care for me, You know..I care for you, You know...that I'll be true, You know..that i won't lie, You know..that i would try, To be your everything..yeah.. [Bridge] Cuz if i got chu, I don't need money, I don't need cars, Girl, you're my all. And.. [Chorus] Oh! I'm into you, And girl, No..one else would do, Cuz with every kiss and every hug, You make me fall in love, And now I..know I can't be the only one, I bet his heart's all over the world tonight, With the love of they life who feel.. Wat i feel when i'm With you [x5]Ohh.. With you [x5]Yeah Heh.. [Bridge 2] And I.. Will never try to deny, Cuz you are my whole light, Cuz if you ever let me do, I would die.. So I won't find, I don't need another woman, I just need your all and nothing, Cos' if I got that, And I'll be straight Baby, you're the best part of my ??I need you boo, I gotta see you boo And the hearts all over the world tonight, Said the hearts all over the world tonight [x2]Woo Ooohh.. Yeah~ They need it boo, They gotta see their boo, Said the hearts all over the world tonight, Hearts all over the world tonight [x2][Chorus] Oh! I'm into you, And girl, No..one else would do, Cuz with every kiss and every hug, You make me fall in love, And now I..know I can't be the only one, I bet his heart's all over the world tonight, With the love of they life who feel.. Wat i feel when i'mWith you [x5]Girl.. With you [x5]Ohh..