Let it be done pt. 2

Basically yesterday's blog was based on me being tired of everything reminding me of him. I know the odds are on my side, I've survived everything life has thrown me thus far. Based on mathematics, I will be over this at some point. So, why am I so doubtful this time? I feel like he's the one that got away, only I made him leave. I said no, that was all me. I hate that I will probably be beating myself up for lettinug him go, for a very long time. I fear I won't find with someone else what the two of us had. We really had lasting power, until he up and left. Now that may sound like a contradiction. I realize that, but I really thought he was it for me. He loved everything about me except my stubbornness and my insecurities. The insecurity part makes me wonder sometimes if that is why he left originally. And I would be married now if he hadn't left. And I've reached the point where I don't want to talk about this anymore right now. And besides, there is nothing that hasn't already been said in previous blogs.

I watched the Spyderwick Chronicles yesterday. What a fantastic film! I really enjoyed all of the magical creatures. The boy plays two brothers. To double-act in a movie at his age is remarkable. He was the young boy in August Rush, which I lent to Maria a couple of months ago. I still haven't gotten it back. Now I'm watching Lions for Lambs, simply because it has Meryl Streep in it. Speaking of Meryl Streep, she looks divine in Mama Mia. It's coming to theaters this summer and I can't wait!

Does anyone know when the olympic trials are finished, and the Olympic Games begin? I can't wait to watch Michael Phelps swim and win all his events. Or May and Welsch in the 2 on 2 beach volleyball championship. You know they won the entire thing in Athens? They made it! I can' wait! OOOOOOOOO I'm so excited!

I'm going to Wilmot Speedway tonight with my family to watch the Outlaw Sprint cars. We haven't gone since we were children, it's going to be so much fun. For now I'm sitting in my pajamas watching a movie. Is it too early for diet coke? It's only 9:24!

Let it be done

First off, my apologies for the amount of typos and missing words here and there in my last blog. I believe I had four beers down at that point. Fair warning, I am drinking again, alone.

I did go and see fireworks, but by myself. And so I drank, hoping the alcohol would soak up my depression for the evening, from having no one to watch the fireworks with. I really wished I could have been with Randee for this holiday. Can you tell that I really miss her?

I was listening to Carrie Underwood's latest cd and it took me nine tracks to realize that three of them made me think of Timothy:

Just a dream: Baby why'd you leave me, why'd you have to go?/I was countin on forever, now I'll never know/I can't even breathe/It's like I'm looking from a distance, standing in the background/everybody's sayin, "he's not comin home now"/this can't be happening to me, this is just a dream

I know you won't: You say you'll call, but I know you/You say you're comin home, but I know you/you say you'll call but I know you won't/I wish you were where you're supposed to be, close to me/but here I am just staring at this candle buring out, still no sound;footsteps on my stairs, your voice anywhere

You won't find this: There's once in a lifetime, and there's once in a while/and the difference between the two is about a million miles/you might get lucky while the moon is looking up/but in the truth of the morning the stars will be long gone/you can hold any girl that you like, fall in love when it's easy at night/but you'll wake up wondering why she ain't ever something better/when you're lost and run out of road, follow what I already know/in the end closer is all there is, but you won't find this

Or then there's the one by Leona Lewis called Better in time: It's been the longest winter without you/I didn't know where to turn to/see somehow I can't forget you/after all that we have been through/going, coming, thought I heard a knock/who's there, no one/thinking I deserve it/now I realize I didn't, no/if you didn't notice, you mean everything/quickly I'm learnin to love again/all I know is I'mma be okay/thought I couldn't live without you/it's gonna hurt when it heals, too/it'll all get better in time/and even though I really love you/I'm gonna smile cuz I deserve to/it'll all get better in time/I couldn't turn on the tv/without something that would remind me/was it all that easy/to just put aside your feelings?/if I'm dreamin, don't wanna laugh/hurt my feelings, but that's the path I believe in/and I know that time will heal it/if you didn't notice boy you mean everything/since there's no more you and me/it's time I let you go so I can be free/and live my life how it should be/no matte how hard it is I'll be fine without you

(and as much as I want to believe those lyrics, I'm not there yet)

And one more excerpt of lyrics from Toby Lightman's, My sweet song: My sweet song/It's been a long time/What'd you come around here for/Cause that old love is gone/And I've since carried on/Thought I was rid of you for sure/Oh my sweet song, you don't sound so sweet no more/Please don't sing to me/Cause it hurts me to hear the melody that was/Good to me before/Oh my sweet song, you don't sound so sweet no more/Oh you said love was forever and you told me/love would never/Break my heart, and I believed you as I fell/That's all over, let it go,/You're just a song I used to know/And your fantasy, it don't work for me/Go and pick on someone else/My sweet song/Guess I'm stuck with you/And someday, I'll find the love I'm looking for/Then my sweet, sweet song won't sound so sad no more/My sweet, sweet song, I'll guess I'll always be yours

Ugh. I hate holidays. Good riddance.

I really shouldn't complain...

So I have not been doing so great mentally lately. Nothing like self-doubts or any of that though. I've just been taking my life in for all that it is, and it sucks because I always come to one conclusion. I have my own place (sort of), a lovely kitty, a great paying job, a reliable car. Then there are the "things" that I have; a nice big tv, a fat dvd collection, a homeade coffee table, my great grandmother's dining table, lots of furniture, and soon to have the second generation (or so I would call it) iPhone. On top of that, there are the things I'm good at. I can paint, I can draw...ok so let's just clump all of that into being artistic. I also have been blessed with the gift of talent with music, both vocally and instrumentally. I am good at volleyball, I'm good at taking extra special care of my kitty, I am good at making sure that those closest to me know it. Hmm. I'm good at making people smile, I'm super good at hugging...and I'm sure there's lots of other stuffs too. I'm smart, and I love to learn-which is why I'm working on taking advantage of the tuition reimbursement program at work...So I have all of these blessings, but there are a couple of elements missing. One of those things is a group of friends. Just people to go shopping with, sit around with, play games with, go to summerfest with, watch fireworks with...just people to do shit with. Ya know? I have a few select really close friends, only one of which is even close to my age. Unfortunately she is the farthest away. She is in Georgia with her husband, preparing for a 3-year stint in Italy. She's probably the closest to what I described as being missing in my life, but I can't do anything with her, we can't hang out because of how far away she is. She's a lot like me, and I love her like a sister. I have Cat, who is probably the greatest friend I could EVER ask for. I can go places with her and hang out, I can just sit around doing nothing with her, no matter what we're doing I'm so enjoying her company. And she's the only person I give my special hugs to, which really has to say something :) But she's married, and has a life of her own, and she too, lives just out of reach, in Madison with a crazy-busy life. I have Leanne, too. She's the best confidant I could ever hope for in a friend (Cat is too, though...I forgot to mention). She's always asking me how I am, and when she asks, she's fully prepared for whatever answer. She is also always happy to see me. I walk into a room and she instantly has the brightest smile on her face, without fail. I confide in her and she confides in me. She tells me so many good things about myself when I need to hear it most. Things I already know, and things she tells me all of the time, but that are still unbelievably wonderful to hear from time to time. She tells me how good of a person I have, how big my heart is, how fantastic of a friend I am, and then also, how good I can make her feel in return. And I haven't needed it in a really long time, but when I was working with her at Barker I was also going through a really tough personal place. I didn't feel so great about myself, didn't feel I had much to offer...she used to hold my face. I used to avoid eye contact and she just held my face and wouldn't let me look away. "Look at me, no LOOK AT ME don't look away," She said that right after told me I'm beautiful and loving and blah blah blah. She also used to just hold me, for full minutes at a time, until I was ready to let go. It was like I needed something to hold onto, someone to lean on for a while, and so she's turned into that kind of friend. The friend to talk to when you need to talk. And I love her dearly, but she's not the kind of friend you go to summerfest with or just hang out with. She, like Cat is in her late 30's. While we can relate a lot, it's not the same as having a group of friends closer to your own age to hang out with all the time. Not to mention she also has a busy life and a family of her own. Now here I am rattling on when I still haven't gotten to the second thing that is missing. Love. Not friend or family love. Lover love. (Not to sound funny) I want to be able to call him and ask how his day was, and hear the relief in his voice that I care and I will listen. I want to have that guy who's company I ache for on the days we don't see each other. I want to feel that flutter when I see his name on caller ID. That guy to watch fireworks with, who without a second thought would drop what we were doing to go to a movie or whatever, just to do something together. Someone who might rearrange his schedule if I needed him for something. Someone to win over my family, and someone to go on trips with, to take camping. Someone who is excited and ready to jump in head first into getting to know my life, and mingling in with it, and who's life I want to intertwine with, too. Someone who I will drop my plans, just to hang out with him....to drive hours to see his family with, to be able to talk to on the phone without it getting awkward. Someone who loves and respects me enough to wait for me to be ready to share myself with him (if you know what I mean). Someone who isn't going to fault me for the past I have, someone to wake up thinking about, someone to call in the middle of the night becuse I couldn't fall asleep until I hear his voice. I want to be in a relationship again, but for some reason I don't seem to attract the kind of guys I would date. And not to mention I want to be friends with a guy, get to know him BEFORE I jump into a dating situation. So it makes it kinda hard when I don't really know any guys anymore. I used to have that head=turning factor, I used to get a lot of requests for my phone number...but I'm not that hot little thing anymore, and I'm not entirely sure I want that kind of attention anyway. So what do I do now? I don't have any of those friends to go hang out with anywhere, to put myself in a situation where I might meet someone. I'm fucked.

So I just wake up everyday completely disappointed. And maybe my thoughts lately have been tied a little bit to finding out that Timothy flew back to England when I denied him, to ask his girlfriend over THERE to marry him. WHAT THE FUCK! So I know that I was the one to said no to him, but it doesn't make it easier to hear. It makes me happy I said no, but makes me question whether he meant it, or was just looking to settle with whomever said yes. And to so quickly ask for someone else's partnership for life, so soon after he had aready asked me, makes me feel like shit and question everything about the relationship we had. From beginning to end, even when I loved him to the ends of the earth. When I found out about him and Kayla, I just kind of broke. I never don't know what to do. I always find some answer, I always kind of have a plan. But when I found out, it made me ask God, "Where do I go from here?" And how do I find a connection with someone again." I know he's there somewhere, someone I've yet to meet, and I know he's close, because I feel like I can smell it (even if that oesn't make sense). But where do I go from here? And how do I remain patient when I get so lonely, and long for it so badly most days, that I makes me want to cry. Someone point me the right direction. Where the hell do I go from here?

The Dash

I didn't write this one but I sure wouldn't be ashamed of it if I had. It was written by Linda Ellis in 1996. Enjoy!


I read of a man who stood to speak
At the funeral of a friend
He referred to the dates on her tombstone
From the beginning to the end

He noted that first came the date of her birth
And spoke the following date with tears,
But he said what mattered most of all
Was the dash between those years

For it matters not how much we own;
The cars, the house, the cash,
What matters is how we live and love
And how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard.
Are there things you'd like to change?
For you never know how much time is left,
That can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough
To consider what's true and real
And always try to understand
The way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger,
And show appreciation more
And love th people in our lives
Like we've never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect,
And more often wear a smile
Remembering that this special dash
Might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy is being read
With your life's actions to rehash
Would you be proud of the things they say
About how you spent your dash?


Please don't credit me for the sucky punctuation...I simply retyped what was on my paper copy, which is probably a typed copy from someone else and blah blah blah. Anyway, we're reading this poem at the Relay during our Luminaria Ceremony. It'll be so neat. Gotta go now...AHM TAAAAAHRD!

Letter to myself

I'd tell myself to stay in school, find God a little sooner to give my soul renewal. I'd not undo what was done to me because it would eventually shape who I would be. I'd tell myself people are better not knowing, so I shouldn't tell them because it's not worth bestowing my pain and grief onto someone else. I'd have said, "Don't worry about the past today but think ahead to tomorrow instead." And be patient about moving out on your own, if you rush it you'll end up feeling alone. Remember to wake with the sun every day, it reflects your own beauty in a special way. And make sure your friends know what they mean to you to ensure they will be there to see you through the rest of the things you'll have had to see before you could grow into a beautiful me.

Long-ish day

Got up at 8...was about to start getting ready for work and Jim says something like "Bing bong, you there?" So we chatted for 15 minutes or so. Jim and Cat may be stopping over on Saturday night after a Wedding shoot (photo shoot, that is). Cool cool, will be fantastic to see them. I'm a bit jumbled about it though because I am not good at entertaining or anything...I have movies and some decks of cards and some booze but that's the extent of my entertaining. Maybe Capri can take over for me. She's always amusing :)

Got off the computer with Jim and did my thing before work which included getting dressed and putting my face on...picking out something for lunch, having some cereal, and letting Capri slurp up some of the leftover milk. Headed for work after that and started my day.

Nothing much to report about work, really. The 4% increase everyone is getting is stressing me out. I'm supposed to get it, in addition to my 9 month rate increase (that I should have gotten but have yet to receive way back in January) , and my year increase which is the 25th of this month. I'm the only person in the department that didn't receive a review on Friday. I don't know what to do next as I feel I've exhausted my options without stepping on the wrong toes too hard. I went to Tim, who said he would talk to Jackie (bitch leading the HR dept.)...I secretly went to Tana in HR (kind of the low man on the totem pole in HR) who recommended I talk to Jackie (bitch). Jackie doesn't know what the fuck she's doin...so then I went behind HER back and asked Penny (payroll). Penny then told me to talk to Sharon about it. Sharon isn't someone you just go to with a "petty little issue" such as this. She is the VP of corporate HR. Basically she's HR VP for the entire freaking global company. She didn't used to be...back when I was interning in the summers she was in a lesser role and as I recall, she liked me a lot. All that doesn't matter though. A little peon like me doesn't just go to Sharon Gonzalez and say hey wtf is goin on with my money beotch...ya know? So then I questioned Dan Arnold about what I should do next. Dan is the plant 2nd shift supervisor, because all department supervisors work 1st shift...so he's the 2nd shift guy, for everyone. He basically told me he nearly lost his job (until Gerry Reothle saved his ass) for going up and questioning Jackie (major bitch) on the matter because apparently he has another two employees whom were supposed to have received their rate increases as well, and got screwed out of them. So at least I'm not alone in it, but I've nowhere left to go with it and I'm not about to lose MY job for pushing it. But I want my damn money bitches! I worked hard for it and I should get what I was promised. Anyway...this has been ongoing for weeks. So anyway, the 4% increase is supposed to be on this Friday's check. I guess I'll see if it's on there, and go from there.

After work I filled up my gas tank and redeemed 37,500 points of my Speedy Rewards for a $50 Applebee's card. Sweet! From there I headed to the bowling alley instead of first going to mom and dad's for dinner like most Monday nights. I called from work to tell them to just meet me at the lanes. I prebowled for this Wednesday's morning league that I can no longer bowl on...and did so well (156+180+201=537) I decided to prebowl for the final week (next week) as well. Didn't do as well, but still over average for a 485. My wrist is sore from bowling 6 games boom boom boom. It went fast but it puts so much more strain on your wrist. I'm happy with the results, though so I can handle a little pain.

Then I headed home earlier than normal for a Monday night, because the assesor dude is coming tomorrow. The place is spotless (my part anyway) and it really didn't take me very long because it was clean to begin with. It's the laundry that's keeping me up this late. I at least would like to get the last load into the washer so I can switch it in the morning and then be done tomorrow when I come home. It should be done in 5 minutes or so. I got a shower in, my Monday night TV show, "New Amsterdam," and now I'm just waitin.

So It's midnight and I'm exhausted. I may be sleeping in an extra half hour tomorrow, as my shower is already out of the way. So buona notte everyone, sweet dreams, my prayers are with you all.

Love, Me

Check out these lyrics

Leanne "made me" listen to this song today. She called me (which in itself is a shocker because no one ever calls me) and told me to go over there after work and told me if I did, she'd even let me stay for dinner on one condition...if I were to listen to this song and not get mad about it. So here are the lyrics...It's called "Fall" and is sung by Kimberly Locke

Oh look there you go again
Putting on that smile again
Even though I know you’ve had a bad day
Doing this…and doing that
Always putting yourself last
A whole lot of give and not enough take
But you can only be strong, so long before you break

So fall……
Go on and fall apart
Fall into these arms of mine…I’ll catch you…everytime you
Fall….go on and loose it all
Every doubt, every fear, every worry, every tear, I’m right here….
Baby fall…

Forget about the world tonight
All that’s wrong and all that’s right
Lay your head on my shoulder, let it fade away..yeah
And if you want to let go baby its ok



She just stared at me as I listened to it, which I have to admit was kinda awkward/freaky. But when it was done, she was searching my face for some sort of reaction and all I could do was ask, "What is for dinner?" Then she said, "Dammit Corinne I'm saying those words from the song to you." I said, "I know. But I'm hungry." Which may have been rude, but I don't care because she put me on the spot and that drives me insane. I still have a lot of healing and growing to do and one of the things I've yet to overcome, is the spotlight, when someone is trying to help me. Ok so if I stop being strong and just let it go, what good does it do me? I end up with puffy eyes for the entire next day, and a headache from all of the overanalyzing I always do. I don't feel better afterward, I don't think....to be honest I don't remember. It's been a while since I let it go...with someone, let alone by myself. Sorry...but no way.


State bowling this weekend. Oh joy. Shoot me now.

No, I didn't die or anything

So I saw this today and now feel the urge to brag about the company I work for....


NEWS RELEASE


SPX Corporation Named to FORTUNE’s

America’s Most Admired Companies 2008

CHARLOTTE, NC – March 4, 2008 – SPX Corporation (NYSE: SPW) today announced
that it has been named to FORTUNE magazine’s America’s Most Admired Companies
2008, the widely respected and influential annual scorecard rankings recognizing corporate
excellence.

SPX was ranked #5 in the Electronics industry category, behind General Electric,
Emerson, Sony and Siemens (in that order) with an overall score of 6.33. The rankings
appear in the March 17 issue of FORTUNE, which will be on newsstands March 10, and
are currently available online at www.fortune.com.

“Inclusion in Fortune’s prestigious America’s Most Admired Companies 2008 rankings is
a tremendous achievement for SPX, and we’re honored to know that our business has
earned the admiration of our peers,” said Chris Kearney, Chairman, President and Chief
Executive Officer of SPX. “This acknowledgement is particularly gratifying because it is a
direct reflection of the individual contributions our 17,000 employees around the world
make each day toward our success.”

Now in its 26th year, the FORTUNE’s America’s Most Admired Companies list is the
definitive report card on corporate reputations and is the result of a vast corporate survey
that questioned more than 3,700 people from 622 companies in 65 separate industries. It
features a composite list of the 20 Most Admired Companies in corporate America, along
with a separate breakout of where companies rank within their respective industries.

SPX Corporation is a Fortune 500 multi-industry manufacturing leader. The company
offers highly-specialized engineered solutions to solve critical problems for customers.

SPX is focused on providing solutions that support the expansion of global infrastructure,
with particular emphasis on the growing worldwide demand for energy and power. Its
innovative product portfolio, containing many environmentally friendly products, includes
cooling systems for all types of power plants throughout the world; custom engineered
pumps, valves and mixers that assist a variety of flow processes including oil and gas
exploration, distribution and refinement; handheld diagnostic tools that aid in vehicle
maintenance and repair; and power transformers that regulate voltage for electrical
transmission and distribution by utility companies.

SPX is headquartered in Charlotte, North Carolina and employs over 17,000 people worldwide in over 35 countries. Visit www.spx.com.



How ya like dem apples?! WOO SPX and not to mention this weeks' payout of our 5.2% bonus from 2007's gross pay! WEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! Capri is so going to the vet to become an IT now. Haha. Thanks for reading everyone.

The Secret

Without giving away The Secret, I'll kind of say a little bit about it for the purpose of a better explanation of my confusion. The Secret=The Law of Attraction. Like attracts like, contrary to what everyone else says, that opposites attract. So, naturally if like attracts like, youthin positively, consume your thoughts with feelings of love and happiness, and you shall find love and happiness. Same thing goes for imgining the things you want in life. I used to go down to the point when I lived with the rents, at night, in the summer, and sit on the shore line of the lake with my eyes closed, feeling the breeze and imagining I already had all of the things I want. Naturally, like attracts like, so the Universe rearranges itself to bring you the things you want. You have to block out all things negative. Resist he feelings of anxiety, tension, fear, insecurities, and doubt. If you want something but don't believe with all that you are, that you will have it, then it won't come to you. Any contradicting feelings and the Universe reads the negativity and gives you the opposite of what you want. So naturaly I'm freakng out a little bit about the fact that I'm happy to have Capri, I love her...and I'm happy to have my place, but I feel angst about being in financial distress due to all of the things I needed to get for the condo. And I didn't realize how much the overtime helps. I received my first check ever from SPX with only 80 hours on it. I wasn't really anticipting it so I'm strapped for cash...gas money and a car payment, and not to mention groceries. Eating healthy is not cheap so for the past two weeks (and for the two weeks to come) I will be living off of Ramen noodles, diet cola, water, apples, sugar free jello, light yogurt, hot dogs, and PB&J. I can't afford Subway even once, I have $30 worth of league bowling to pay for....praying that my tax returns come soon. Of course, I have to get my damn W2's before I can even file....and I should have gotten another raise on Friday but as per fucking usual Tim dropped the ball. We are supposed to get our 5% bonus in March sometime, that will help, too. Ugh. I don't know what to feel really and I'm worried about the negative thoughts I'm sending out. Hard to push them out though. Gotta work on that. Cat, you should really read The Secret. I guarantee it has the potential to make you a happy person every single day. My laptop battery is about to die so I will blog more soon, perhaps tomorrow. I have one more thing to write about though quick. It caught me off guard. Today, my mom told me that no mater what mode I'm in or what I'm going through, good or bad, she is my biggest fan. I had questions but I didn't know what to think really. Biggest fan for what, since when, and I wanted to know what she was referring to...and where the hell it came from (seemingly out of the blue). For some reason I was weighing the merit on her word. Anyway...that's it. Goodnight!

Baby gate

HAHAHA scared ya didn't I?! Don't worry, it's for Capri....who is my baby anyway. I've been pricing out some extra-tall gates at Wally World. They have a 41" tall swing gate by Regalo for $38.76, and a 39.4" tall swing gate by Dream Baby for $62.85. I'm thinkin the taller the better so she stays downstairs...and it just happens to be the cheaper one! Problem is, according to the site, it's not sold at the Delavan store or the Janesville store. So...I will have to get it sent to the store (which is free) but that will take 7-10 days. Which totally sucks. I don't want to keep her cooped up in my room that long. You should see her when she has free-range. She so happy. Anyway, I'm heading to Wally World after work real quick just to make sure they don't have it, before I order it to get sent to the store. That's that I guess. Stupid blog, really.

Gotta run, break time was over five minutes ago!

With You

Caution ahead, long story proceeding. Timothy (ex-Tim, not bossman-Tim) had all of a sudden popped back into my life about a year and a half ago. He expected me to just take him back like nothing had happened, like he hadn't left me when I needed him the most, like he didn't leave. I told him no so many times. He just wouldn't give up. We eventually just started talkin, like friends I suppose, even though we were never just friends...I went out to his place one night and in the worst weak moment of my life I gave in to my old feelings and gave him what he wanted. I let him have me. Of course I realized my horrible mistake right after we were done. In doing that with him again, he'd think he had a chance. And he didn't. I broke, for a moment, and I will forever REGRET it. I went out there again because he wouldn't quite callin me and I had a chance to get my thoughts together so I told him it was done. I told him to stop callin, stop askin for me back, stop making me promises that he wouldn't leave again, promising I could trust him now, and other things. I told him to never call again, never come see me again, never IM me or email me or myspace-me again. He cried, and it was hard, so hard for me to tell him all of that, but I thought it would give me strength. How did I know he wouldn't bounce whenever things got hard? How could I possibly trust him? I knew I had made the right decision, the best thing for me, but my heart was fighting it. My heart ached so bad for him, wondering if I made a mistake, resisting all of the reasons I had for shutting him out, and questioning if I could get over him. I'm still all a mess about him but my trip out to Mulligan's the other night didn't help anything. I went out there with a few friends, just dancin...not to get drunk, although I had a couple beers. I noticed almost right away that he was there but tried to ignore it. I happened to be there with Ryan, this guy that wants me so bad...but I was a good girl...I'm not interested in Ryan *and he knows it* and I didn't try to show out in front of Tim by dancin on Ryan or anything, I behaved myself. He came over after about an hour and he said he had somethin for me. Now I realize one of my WONDERFUL FUCKING FRIENDS must have tipped him off that I was going to be there, or planned it that way on purpose. Timothy got down on his knee and told me that he knew he made some mistakes that can't be forgotten but that if I said no he'd never marry another girl, that I was it for him. He told me that I'd never find someone else who could know me so well inside and out, knew my strenghts and my weaknesses and loved them both alike, who could read me like a book, who would make me feel loved for the rest of my life. Instead of saying no in front of everyone I found my keys, turned around and walked out. I left him there on the dance floor, on his knee, everyone staring in silence. I have to admit, that even that (very small comparison to the damage done when he left me) made me feel like shit. I don't understand how he could have done it to me. Now I sit here every night listening to the song he made sure was playing while he asked me to marry him, crying because I know I let go of an amazing kind of love that I will probably never find again. And I hate that I have to hurt from it, that I can't just stand back up, wipe my face off, and keep going, start over or whatever. I'm trying but I just keep playing the song and crying, thinking about how badly this hurts, wondering if I majorly fucked up, but knowing I can't be with someone I can't trust...I just can't do it. It hurts just as much as it did when I realized he was gone two and a half years ago.

You feel like you're going to die from how much pain you have in your heart, and you wonder how many tears you could possibly have, but they keep coming anyway. You pick up the phone and almost hit the green button about a million times, but can never do it, and you don't know if it's because your hand is shaking so bad, or because it would go against what you knew is really right in the end. You flip your pillow over about ten times a night because you keep getting it wet...take cold showers in the morning hoping it wakes you up because you couldn't sleep at night...you go through a ton of Tylenol PM and about three boxes of kleenex before you realize it's pointless because there's no end in sight. You go to work walking around like a zombie, but looking gorgeous as ever because you don't want anyone to know, and you don't tell anyone because no one can possibly understand, and you just don't want to tell the story because it takes too long. Well here's the story.

Here are the lyrics to the song he had playin that night. It's a slower song, though it doesn't look like it just by looking at the lyrics. I think you can get a sample of the song on amazon.com under Chris Brown's "Exclusive" record. Anyway....

With You sung by Chris Brown

I need you boo, (Ooh) I gotta see you boo (Hey) And the hearts all over the world tonight, Said the hearts all over the world tonight [x2][Verse 1] Hey! Little mama, Ooh, you a stunna Hot..lil figure, Yes, you a winner And im so glad to be yours, You're a class all your own And.. Ooh, little cutie When..you talk to me I swear..the whole world stops You're..my sweetheart And im so glad that you are mine You are one of a kind and.. [Bridge] You mean to me What i mean to you and.. Together baby, There is nothing we won't do Cos if i gotchu, I don't need money, I don't need cars, Girl, you're my all. And.. [Chorus] Oh! I'm into you, And girl, No..one else would do, Cuz with every kiss and every hug, You make me fall in love, And now I..know I can't be the only one, I bet his heart's all over the world tonight, With the love of his life who feel.. Wat i feel when i'm With you [x5]Girl.. With you [x5][Verse 2] Oh Girl! I don't want nobody else, Without you, there's no one left then, You're like Jordans on Saturday, I gotta have you and I cannot wait now, Hey! little shawty, Say..you care for me, You know..I care for you, You know...that I'll be true, You know..that i won't lie, You know..that i would try, To be your everything..yeah.. [Bridge] Cuz if i got chu, I don't need money, I don't need cars, Girl, you're my all. And.. [Chorus] Oh! I'm into you, And girl, No..one else would do, Cuz with every kiss and every hug, You make me fall in love, And now I..know I can't be the only one, I bet his heart's all over the world tonight, With the love of they life who feel.. Wat i feel when i'm With you [x5]Ohh.. With you [x5]Yeah Heh.. [Bridge 2] And I.. Will never try to deny, Cuz you are my whole light, Cuz if you ever let me do, I would die.. So I won't find, I don't need another woman, I just need your all and nothing, Cos' if I got that, And I'll be straight Baby, you're the best part of my ??I need you boo, I gotta see you boo And the hearts all over the world tonight, Said the hearts all over the world tonight [x2]Woo Ooohh.. Yeah~ They need it boo, They gotta see their boo, Said the hearts all over the world tonight, Hearts all over the world tonight [x2][Chorus] Oh! I'm into you, And girl, No..one else would do, Cuz with every kiss and every hug, You make me fall in love, And now I..know I can't be the only one, I bet his heart's all over the world tonight, With the love of they life who feel.. Wat i feel when i'mWith you [x5]Girl.. With you [x5]Ohh..