A new me?

Ah where to start.

Lately I've been getting a LOT of compliments on my appearance/looks. I won't name names, but a relative said to me just the other day that it so obvious that my sister is jealous of me. Jealous that she has the body (disgustingly anorexic) and I got the looks, the personality, the talent, inner and outer beauty...I got the whole package and she doesn't. Funny because I've kept the same thoughts to myself for years. The FedEx ground guy said to me just today (after he greeted me as Smiley), something along the lines of how he had met grandpa for a delivery at the fire station...thought he was my dad because he looks so young (I nearly laughed in the guys' face)...that grandpa commented when he mentioned me, "oh yeah, she's the pretty gal in shipping at SPX on Sugar Creek Road..." and I don't know whether grandpa really said that, or if it was just the FedEx guy being really kind, but either way it was an indirect side swipe at a compliment. Then he asked if my dad was that nice and I said yes. :) The rush delivery guy last week kept calling me Beautiful because he didn't know my name, in a not perverted but sweet kind of way. The UPS ground guy is very nice like that too. He asked me if my boyfriend liked that I am 21 now and I said that it was presumptuous to think I have a boyfriend, but that I don't. He said he just assumed that such a good looking girl like me would have a good boyfriend. Again...another cute compliment. I get those all the time lately. I don't look any different than I used to so I am chalking it up to my newfound confidence that has burst out of nowhere the past couple of months. I'm really really happy (though I complain about petty things just like the next person) and I guess it shows. According to a dear male friend, I have "that glow now. That glow that only women can get, a very ditinct glow that not all women have." I was always one to smile a lot and laugh a lot but now, you'll never see me not smiling or laughing. The guys out back all call me Smiley...Mark who is a pig and a pervert (but also very sweet and always looking out for me at work) calls me hottie and gorgeous and beautiful all the time...just because that's Mark. Mark is also the guy who says thank you whenever I bendover because he feels like he's stealing something if he doesn't.

Lately I cannot get love off of my mind. All kinds of love...the love of a pet and for a pet...for a really really great friend...for a significant other. That is what is missing in my life, the love of a significant other. I have everything else. I'm a hopeless romantic I guess. Just last week I found the song I swear I am going to play at my wedding should I get married someday. It's so beautiful and perfect. I heard it and I was like woah this is a song I would dance to at my wedding with my man as our couple dance. Don't ask why that came to mind, it just did. I can't explain it. The guy I want more than anything else, I am afraid I scared away. He told me about how he can't trust another girl again, and I thought that by showing him the email I wrote to Maria (his mom) that he would see he can trust me...because it was something I told someone else about how I felt and that I am going to wait for him to be done with the Navy whether he wants me to or not. After I showed him the email he said he didn't know what to say. And I told him I was still going to wait. That above anything else, any title, I am his friend first and I was going to wait. I told him that what I said doesn't mean I'm pressuring him to put a title of any kind on us, but that it is there, that I AM waiting, and that two years is not long in the long scheme of things. I told him I don't want a realtionship with someone I'm not good friends with first, and we're not quite there yet so he didn't need to freak out. I think he did anyway because that was three or four weeks ago, and while he said that night that we could chat the following weekend when he got back to base...I haven't talked to him since. I called him once in these three weeks and left a voicemail saying that I hope he had a good fourth, that I missed him and wanted to say, that he should call me back, and that was it. Nothing weird, just casual "hey how you doin out there," kinda thing. I've sent him a couple of messages on myspace while he's on and he doesn't respond. The last time a few days ago I sent him one askin him to hop on yahoo so we could chat and I saw that he had read the message but didn't come on and refused to message me back. So...in return to that I said that I knew I freaked him out, scared him a little bit, confused him, complicatd things and all that by letting him see what I wrote in that email. I told him that we should start on a clean slate and call a truce, that I just wanted to get to know him better, talk to him more so we could eventually get to the point where he would talk to me because he wanted to and not just because I asked him to. That's all I wanted, just to talk because that is the only way a friendship can grow stronger...and it was a week ago when I said this to him. So I'm stuck, and I'm lost and hurting and I don't know what to do. This kid is a huge deal to/for me. He's pretty amazing and I've got it bad for him. So bad that I don't even notice other guys until someone else points them out...so bad that I keep turning down offers from other guys or for my friends to hook me up with someone else, because I don't want anyone else. So bad, that I'm sad when I think about him for even a second, because I screwed it all up just by telling him I'm waiting for him. Not just that, but that I told his mother these things (among other things) and he only read it as a forward on the side. If anyone has any suggestions about what I should do, let me know. I'm afraid the only thing I CAN do is just wait and see if he ever talks to me again.

So there's my Mike story...and the hopeless romantic part comes in now. I imagine holding hands with someone, I imagine going for walks, eating dinner, watching a movie, eating ice cream, fighting over a blanket watching tv, back rubbing, beer drinking, relaxing with some significant other. And I imagine all of that as Mike next to me. I want that guy who will finish my beer if I don't want it, who will put his hand on my waist or my hip or my back at just the right time, who will hold my face when he kisses me, who will pull me close to him just because it feels good, who will play with my hair and laugh because it's cute when I don't know what I'm doing, who will call me just to see how my day is so far, even though we will see each other later, who will let me fall asleep watching a movie, who will show me off to his friends and want to have me around as much as possible......that guy is Mike and I know this and I can't just let him go because I told him how I feel. That's not fair and that's now how it's supposed to work! So HELP ME because now I'm scared, too.