Wtf^^ mate?!

Perhaps I'll blog later about the Relay for Life, but right now I'm blogging about being sick AGAIN because it's damn right pissing me off. It hit me like a ton of bricks today around 1 at Hobbs, after which I puked 5 times, called back over to headquarters to ask Pete if I could come back and send someone else to Hobbs because I felt like I had to puke again blahdee blah. So I did...unloaded the truck, found Tim who gave me a guilt trip about missing work...and then I dashed out the door to the doc's office and they were luckily not too busy. They fit me in and the doc said I have acute gastro-something-itis, an infection of some sort that could be an inflamation anwhere from the esophagus (still can't fucking spell that word but right now that is the least of my worries) to the intestines. He gave me a note on the spot to be off from work for further notice. I'm going to be crucified when I get back to work, I'm sure of it. It is month end. FUCK fuck fuck. Ok so this comes off as a sympathy blog but I don't care. I JUST DON'T WANT TO BE SICK ANYMORE!!!

A new me?

Ah where to start.

Lately I've been getting a LOT of compliments on my appearance/looks. I won't name names, but a relative said to me just the other day that it so obvious that my sister is jealous of me. Jealous that she has the body (disgustingly anorexic) and I got the looks, the personality, the talent, inner and outer beauty...I got the whole package and she doesn't. Funny because I've kept the same thoughts to myself for years. The FedEx ground guy said to me just today (after he greeted me as Smiley), something along the lines of how he had met grandpa for a delivery at the fire station...thought he was my dad because he looks so young (I nearly laughed in the guys' face)...that grandpa commented when he mentioned me, "oh yeah, she's the pretty gal in shipping at SPX on Sugar Creek Road..." and I don't know whether grandpa really said that, or if it was just the FedEx guy being really kind, but either way it was an indirect side swipe at a compliment. Then he asked if my dad was that nice and I said yes. :) The rush delivery guy last week kept calling me Beautiful because he didn't know my name, in a not perverted but sweet kind of way. The UPS ground guy is very nice like that too. He asked me if my boyfriend liked that I am 21 now and I said that it was presumptuous to think I have a boyfriend, but that I don't. He said he just assumed that such a good looking girl like me would have a good boyfriend. Again...another cute compliment. I get those all the time lately. I don't look any different than I used to so I am chalking it up to my newfound confidence that has burst out of nowhere the past couple of months. I'm really really happy (though I complain about petty things just like the next person) and I guess it shows. According to a dear male friend, I have "that glow now. That glow that only women can get, a very ditinct glow that not all women have." I was always one to smile a lot and laugh a lot but now, you'll never see me not smiling or laughing. The guys out back all call me Smiley...Mark who is a pig and a pervert (but also very sweet and always looking out for me at work) calls me hottie and gorgeous and beautiful all the time...just because that's Mark. Mark is also the guy who says thank you whenever I bendover because he feels like he's stealing something if he doesn't.

Lately I cannot get love off of my mind. All kinds of love...the love of a pet and for a pet...for a really really great friend...for a significant other. That is what is missing in my life, the love of a significant other. I have everything else. I'm a hopeless romantic I guess. Just last week I found the song I swear I am going to play at my wedding should I get married someday. It's so beautiful and perfect. I heard it and I was like woah this is a song I would dance to at my wedding with my man as our couple dance. Don't ask why that came to mind, it just did. I can't explain it. The guy I want more than anything else, I am afraid I scared away. He told me about how he can't trust another girl again, and I thought that by showing him the email I wrote to Maria (his mom) that he would see he can trust me...because it was something I told someone else about how I felt and that I am going to wait for him to be done with the Navy whether he wants me to or not. After I showed him the email he said he didn't know what to say. And I told him I was still going to wait. That above anything else, any title, I am his friend first and I was going to wait. I told him that what I said doesn't mean I'm pressuring him to put a title of any kind on us, but that it is there, that I AM waiting, and that two years is not long in the long scheme of things. I told him I don't want a realtionship with someone I'm not good friends with first, and we're not quite there yet so he didn't need to freak out. I think he did anyway because that was three or four weeks ago, and while he said that night that we could chat the following weekend when he got back to base...I haven't talked to him since. I called him once in these three weeks and left a voicemail saying that I hope he had a good fourth, that I missed him and wanted to say, that he should call me back, and that was it. Nothing weird, just casual "hey how you doin out there," kinda thing. I've sent him a couple of messages on myspace while he's on and he doesn't respond. The last time a few days ago I sent him one askin him to hop on yahoo so we could chat and I saw that he had read the message but didn't come on and refused to message me back. So...in return to that I said that I knew I freaked him out, scared him a little bit, confused him, complicatd things and all that by letting him see what I wrote in that email. I told him that we should start on a clean slate and call a truce, that I just wanted to get to know him better, talk to him more so we could eventually get to the point where he would talk to me because he wanted to and not just because I asked him to. That's all I wanted, just to talk because that is the only way a friendship can grow stronger...and it was a week ago when I said this to him. So I'm stuck, and I'm lost and hurting and I don't know what to do. This kid is a huge deal to/for me. He's pretty amazing and I've got it bad for him. So bad that I don't even notice other guys until someone else points them out...so bad that I keep turning down offers from other guys or for my friends to hook me up with someone else, because I don't want anyone else. So bad, that I'm sad when I think about him for even a second, because I screwed it all up just by telling him I'm waiting for him. Not just that, but that I told his mother these things (among other things) and he only read it as a forward on the side. If anyone has any suggestions about what I should do, let me know. I'm afraid the only thing I CAN do is just wait and see if he ever talks to me again.

So there's my Mike story...and the hopeless romantic part comes in now. I imagine holding hands with someone, I imagine going for walks, eating dinner, watching a movie, eating ice cream, fighting over a blanket watching tv, back rubbing, beer drinking, relaxing with some significant other. And I imagine all of that as Mike next to me. I want that guy who will finish my beer if I don't want it, who will put his hand on my waist or my hip or my back at just the right time, who will hold my face when he kisses me, who will pull me close to him just because it feels good, who will play with my hair and laugh because it's cute when I don't know what I'm doing, who will call me just to see how my day is so far, even though we will see each other later, who will let me fall asleep watching a movie, who will show me off to his friends and want to have me around as much as possible......that guy is Mike and I know this and I can't just let him go because I told him how I feel. That's not fair and that's now how it's supposed to work! So HELP ME because now I'm scared, too.

This Is Love

Song lyrics to a song Kelly Rowland has on her new album


Can you describe the moment
When two people fall in love
Some say the clouds will spin in circles
Even the rain will turn to doves
The poor will start to laugh
Even the rich will start to cry
It can sneak up like a soldier
It can wake you up at night

That's what I feel when I'm standing here with you
That's what my heart has sworn to be true

This is love
It's written on my face
It's the way I lean my body towards you
Even when I'm a hundred miles away
This is love
Like a diamond in the sand
It took so long to find you
I can't wait another day to say
This is love

You take my imperfections
You turn them into art
If I could change one thing about you
There would be no place to start
You are saftey without numbers
You are dangerously wild
And you're sweeter than rock candy
And you ease my inner child

It's what I feel when I'm standing here with you
It's what my heart has sworn to be true

This is love
It's written on my face
It's the way I lean my body towards you
Even when I'm a hundred miles away
This is love
Like a diamond in the sand
It took so long to find you
I can't wait another day to say
This is love

Now I'm no easy angel
I'm moody like the wind
I am impatient
Complicated
And I'm fragile deep within
But you're no fool
And I'm no little girl
Have we not found
There is love in the world

I said it's written on my face
It's the way I lean my body towards you
Even when I'm a hundred miles away
This is love
Like a diamond in the sand
It took so long to find you
I can't wait another day to say
This is love...


Mark my words. Whenever I should get married, this will be our dance together. It's even more bautiful to hear Kelly sing it.

Work party!

Tim isn't back to work until Thursday. We thought it was going to be longer but the fucker doesn't have a life, so we moved our shipping party to Wednesday. Our boss's boss is involved in the mix and I find that absolutely hilarious. Tim's son (I might blog about how that relationship pisses me off, very soon if I haven't already) is gone somewhere, his mom is in the hospital for kidney stones, and he doesn't have any friends or a life so he is probably just sitting there. That doesn't mean you get to punish us and come back early from your vacation time! NOT FAIR! If any of the peons try to do that or cancel a vacation day or something we get penalized fo it! Man soak it in! Sit on the couch all day watching tv and getting drunk. Something...come on! We don't want him at work!

I have no idea what I'm bringin to the party yet. I wanted to make something but I can make close to nothing, and I don't want to go get something from the store but I will I have to if I get desperate. Psh. Any suggestions? Anyone?

On another note...I have been thinking about it the past few months quite a bit, and more seriously in the past few weeks, especially last weekend. I have decided that I would like to get baptized. I don't want to do it in front of the rest of the congregation during mass, I don't want a big deal out of it...they'll make a big enough deal about it as it is later down the road when I get confirmed and all that. I don't even want to think about how long it takes and all the classes I will have to attend. No one tell grandma. I want it to be a surprise to her. So SSHHHHH!

And now onward to the shower. I might be stinky. Haha bye!

95 Degrees

Walking from church with grandma this morning, she asked me if we were going to play volleyball today. I said, "they all (mom, dad, Mat, Annie, etc.....) want to play but there is no way I'm getting out there." First of all, I overheat waaaay too easily. Second, last time I played in weather over 90 degrees I passed out despite the Gatorade and water I was drinking. Third, I had a huge blister larger than the size of a quarter (I actually compared it to a quarter) from the damn shoes I wore to the wedding and to church this morning) So what did I do? I played. Fuckers gave me a guilt trip. I was not a happy camper. The blister didn't break open because I put a bandaid on it and wrapped an ACE Bandage around it. No sand in a blister for me, thank you! So back to the story...I've been getting really bad headaches lately and playing in that heat triggered one. But...I had plans for dinner with Stephanie and Brad, so I got home, showered, popped some Ibuprofen and hit the road. All I could hear in my head was Cat's voice bitchin at me about taking care of myself. I ignored it because we were already on our way to Janesville when I realized how BAD of an idea it was to not be resting. I had a Mango Martini at Applebee's that was pretty tastey. Brad laughed at me when I asked for a straw (aren't they sposta give you a tiny straw with it?) and the waitor handed me a normal sized flex straw that was good for nothing other than floating on TOP of the damn drink. Psh. Yada yada yada...got back to Stephanie's and I couldn't walk because the blister was screaming at me. Turns out the new bandaid I had put on slid a little and the sticky part got stuck on the blister and trying to pull it off opened the blister. A few ice cubes later I pulled off the excess skin. That fucker stung so bad. Ended up driving home with the windows up and no air on (the air movement was stingin too badly and I couldn't drive!) barefoot because the shoe I was wearing made the fucker bleed. Now here I am, safe at home, and I have no idea how to care for such a huge blister because I don't think I have ever had one so big and such a pain in the ass before. Stupid fucking blister. As if I didn't have enough to deal with. My throat has hurt nonstop for over a month. Do I go to the doctor? No...every time I go to the doctor he finds something else wrong with me that is a much bigger deal and I'd rather pretend it's just a lingering whatever, than an actual problem. I'm afraid of the doctor, I guess. And the cough that sticks with it is killer on my voice. Sure I pulled it off yesterday for the wedding, but barely. If I sing like I want to, like I can, projecting soulfully and all that, I go into a coughing fit. So I had to be all light and quiet in the background to her melody and it wasn't nearly as impressive but it was still quite passably good. The only complaint I have about the way I played is that a few times I started coughing in the middle of a note and it made funky noises come out of my flute in the middle of really slow beautiful floaty songs. I can't get rid of this fucking cough! So...let's say (this is just an uneducated guess) I have some bacteria or something that has grown in the back of my throat. Can that go away without medicine? If I go to the doctor he's just going to say, "yeah, you're sick." And I already FUCKING know that. I can't deal with a fucking doctor right now. Oh, and if my grandmother only read this blog she'd have a heartattack. Workin in a shop, you have a BIT of a pottymouth. Oops...

Music music music

The funeral went smoothly today but I had to leave early. An hour into it, we thought he was about to say "The mass has ended, go in peace..." but he introduces one of five speakers. I whispered to Maria that I had to go. My mom's uncle (dad's kidney recipient) was put in the hospital...got transfered to Madison from Eau Claire. He's had this fungus shit growing in his lungs. The doctors in Eau Claire didn't want to mess with him because he is a transplant recipient and that gets tricky. Right before we got there he had a CT scan taken of his chest. Right before we left two hours later, the intern finally came in to fill us in. They think he's got cancer from some Aspestos (sp?) he was exposed to when he was 16 doing some work on attics as a side-job. They Pulminary something or other professionals are meeting tomorrow to discuss what they will do from here to follow through with an actual diagnosis. At this point it is just speculation but they are pretty sure that's what it is. And I feel horrible. The whole time we were sitting in his room hoping he wouldn't cough up any more blood, I was having a battle in my head over whether I was glad or upset that it wasn't Beth that I was sitting with instead. I want more than anything to be with her but she will not let me come. So while I wish I could be there for her (she's still in the hospital in Omaha...more details later to those who ask about them), I was glad (selfishly) that the bad news being delivered wasn't about her. It was a bit of relief but how can I feel so relieved when it's to Uncle Bussie's expense? He doesn't deserve any of this. No one deserves anything like that but he deals with it with a smile on his face because he has so many loved ones come to see him.

I guess my mind had already been on Beth today though from the start, as I was dressing for the funeral. Thankful she's still with us, but burdened by it also. It takes great great strength to be with someone you love so much on their last days or weeks or months, to just be there with them, for them, knowing what the outcome will be. No one wants their most loved friends/family to go but it is almost always for the better and we can never completely understand or find peace with it until we can accept that it was their time for a reason. We can't fully accept it until we know it is better for them to leave us to be resurrected with God in glory. That is what Father Brian said today. I wanted to zone out and not take in the surroundings of the funeral but I wasn't successful and it made it difficult for me. She sent me a birthday card that read, "Birthdays should be celebrated all month long! Which would make these wishes right on time! Happy belated birthday." She wrote a novel in it but she didn't put a return address on it. She just keeps telling me to send any mail to Laurence in Washington and he will get it when she goes back. I don't know if she will get that far.

Back on a happier note, the outfit I picked out for the wedding is pretty cute. I would be even more cute if I were thinner, but I'm in a rut and haven't lost any more weight in a while. I hate that it's so much harder for women to lose weight than men. Damn. OOO that reminds me. To Cat: I HIGHLY recommend if you are up to 45 minutes at the computer, going to the Netflix site and under the Watch Now menu, chose Ron White: You Can't Fix Stupid. He's got a clip in there about women on their monthly visitors and that if he were bleedin down there he'd have a heart attack or somethin, it's hilarious. Haha. Goofy guy. How can you not like a guy who brings a full bottle of Scotch and a cigar with him on stage?! If you don't watch it online, at least consider adding it to you queue?! It's funny.

Bed time for me after a glass of ice water (can't get enough these days) if I want to run through the music in the morning. No one wish me luck, just think of me, because I don't need the luck. I got this. :)

Mmm Maria

It seems I've found another PERSON that is my happy place. Cat being number one, music is in there somewhere, and Zoey...and Maria. There is something about her that calms me down, makes me laugh, smile, joke aound while working on music at the same time...and I feel totally relaxed playing with her, and singing. And she loves that I can hear the opening to a song she's singing...start humming a made-up harmony to her melody...and end up going with it. Could be a copywrite penalty of some sort, but neither of us care. I went her house today to play the music for the wedding together for the first time. Last time we met, she played through all of the pieces and we decided where I'll play in each song, and which part (melody or piano line, or both), and which songs I will improvise on. We agreed that on Wherever You Go, I m wingin an alto line in the refrain, rather than playing. She said this time, we're shoving the mic in my face because last time it was too high while hers was practically in her mouth so our levels were off balance. While I'm paranoid about tuning, she assures me it's right on...so I guess it's good that I know how to roll in and out to change the pitch when I hear that it is off, rather than pulling the head piece in or out everytime. She told me of a funeral she is doing tomorrow and I asked if she remembered the last time I sat through a wedding with her. I had been hanging around, practicing at the church for Easter stuff and ended up quietly humming the alto lines I knew and throwing in little things here and there. She loved it but I didn't know if it was alright or not because it was a funeral...she told me not to be shy this time and told me it would be beautiful if I came....so I am going. We sat and talked for at least an hour after we were finished with the music. The best part about this week...I got to go to choir practice tonight for the first time in months since I don't have work this week, I'll see her in the morning as well for the funeral after which she decided we might do well with some practice afterward...I will see her on Saturday for the wedding and more practice after that for Sunday's mass. She threw in a piece tonight that has a beautiful floating flute line and I rocked it at practice tonight. I had never seen the piece before but I nailed it and it is so beautiful. So I'll have seen her Thursday, Friday, Saturday, AND Sunday this week. That is what makes this week incomparable to any other, the time I get to spend with her. Something draws me to her and while I'm not clingy or anything, I will glady snatch any opportunity to spend some time with her. We very much enjoy each others company and it is quite perfect for me actually. I have needed something extra and this is it. Just something that makes me happy, because work has been comin dangerously close to pushing me over the edge and I don't want to go there again. And it is always good to find anther happy place, isn't it? Of course it is. Now I'm sorry for another long post...but I'll tak off now because I have Eragon playing in the corner of the screen and I'd rather watch it full screen, so if you'll excuse me...ahem. Until my next post, I wish everyone well.

Preparing for the wedding

I have been trying and trying to get with Maria to at least get the music for the wedding. Last Sunday, she wasn't there when she told me to stop over, then Friday she cancelled on me because wasn't well. Apparently she emailed me Saturday wondering what my schedule was that day but I didn't get the email until yesterday, and it was dated for the 1st of July, which also was yesterday...so it was all messed up there...but it turns out yesterday evening worked better for us anyway. Saturday I had to work until 3:30 and then after that, I went home and took a shower, and we went to Rhythm and Booms in Madison at Warner Park. It was amazing, just like the last time we went. When the National Anthem singer is on the last leg of the song: "Or the land of the freeeeeee..."as she holds that out, four fighter jets fly over in formation, and it just grabs my heart. I don't know why but that is my favorite part about the whole event. She finished the song after they fly over (she had a perfect voice for he national anthem, it was absolutely beautiful)...then we wait another half hour for it to be dark enough, and for the baseball game to be done....then the 38-minute firworks show started. We all hopped onto the shuttles again back to the MATC parking lot, and got home about ten minutes to midnight. I didn't plan on swaying the topic, but the point is, I didn't have time to meet with Maria on Saturday and it worked out better for her on Sunday.

I got up for church and met grandma at the house. PC has an ear infection in her right ear and you don't know whether to be sad or chuckle, but she has her head cocked to the side all the time, even when she's walking, because the infection throws her balance off. Poor kitty...she keeps falling over but she doesn't want you to know because she's a prideful kitty...so she kind of bounces. She drops but gets up almost instantly. Maybe it makes her feel better to think we don't notice? Grandma and I walked to church...Maria asked me what my schedule was like and I said I was wide open (I didn't want to play volleyball in Darien anyway) so she threw up 1:00 or 6:30. I chose 6:30 because I figured I would get bitched at if I didn't go play volleyball. She thought 6:30 was perfect anyway because her husbands family women were all over and she can't stand em so she wanted me to crash the party. It was a very successful crashing. :) She handed me the music and I didn't panic just yet because I hadn't even looked at it yet. But as she was playing it all for me I nearly hyperventilated when it just kept going and going and going...mind you that was the first time I saw any of the music for a wedding that is this Saturday. She gets motherly sometimes, and she came over to me and just held me and kissed my head, and stroked my hair, said "shhhh, it'll be alright, I gotcha," and for a second, I nearly forgot who I was with. I was thrown off by the "I gotcha" and thought I was with my friend Cat! Anyway, back to what I was talking about. She told me it is not hard music and I'd feel more confident if my mother hadn't verbally bashed me since I was a child...(she's been around here and there and used to bowl with my mom on Wednesday mornings when I would tag along)...and she's heard it so many times. It kind of came out of nowhere...how does my mother play a factor in a panic attack about wedding music? I ended up staying for dinner and sitting outside at the tiki bar eating chicken and green beans. It was yummy with red wine. I never caught the name of what we were drinking and I'm not the pro that my aunt is so i can't taste it and name it by the taste. We went inside eventually because it was getting really buggy outside. I finished my food and got a hug and a kiss on the head from Maria, and then I took off for the mile ride home. Haha so funny I only live a mile away and I drove. I was planning on walking but my shower took too long. I may pass on a hot shower today though. I'm completely lobster-fried from volleyball! We played 6 or 7 games and I wore a tank top, which was dumb....so my boobs are toasted, my shoulders are toasted, my arms, the tops of my feet, my face, and about three quarters up my calves (I wore capri sweat pants). Of course it didn't hurt until today...I just keep spraying this blue aloe stuff on it hoping it will feel a little better by the time I have to go in to work...not even close. I'm so burnt it hurt to sleep last night. Just as long as I'm feeling better by Thursday (Maria and I are running through all of the music). I hope she throws in another day of practice in there...I'm not sure I have straight which songs I'm playing with and which songs I'm wingin an alto harmony on. Should be interesting. I meant to meet the couple that are getting married after mass to give them my address to send a check to because I've decided to make it a policy to get paid BEFORE the event....but I forgot about it when Maria's husband was talkin to me after mass. It's alright though, because apparently Maria told them to drop her money off in her box in the office...and while they were at it, to put mine in there, too! She's so thoughtful sometimes...lookin out for me I guess. It was really nice. Funny how I had dinner with Michael's family (my cruuuuuush/looooove interest) before he's home (Maria is his mom). Haha.

Oh and did I mention that grandpa broke his little finger really badly at a safety thing up in Wausau, so he got a new truck. He got a brand new trailblazer and grandma is NOT happy because now grandpa can never retire! He's got a 60-month payment deal on the trailblazer now because it's brand new! Putz. It is a spiffy machine though...HOLY SHIT I gotta get ready for work. It's nerly 9 and I have to go in at 10! YIKES! Bye all!

Corinne