October

In honor of the upcoming month of October, I am posting this prose I wrote last year for someone I love very much. You know who you are. Thank you for making October my favorite...and I hope to have many more favorite Octobers with you. I love you. --Rin

In my head, in me, is October. October is sitting cross-legged on the living room carpet inches from me, staring. Staring and learning, reading, seeing the stripped-down version, growing. October is seeing scars no one knows about, filling in the blanks from conversations she never understood. October is posing in front of a red wall for black-and-white's. It's peeling off face paint after a late night of walking, laughing, living. October is cleaning out slimy seeds with a spoon, watching the stolen prize take take shape, giving it a face. October is letting me show her how it feels to dance in the rain. October is feeling, allowing myself to crumble in her arms waiting for a train to erase me and sketch me back in six hours away. October is trusting me, showing me I trust October, getting attached for life, and giving her my heart. October is helping me get over the loss of a child, a mother, a broken girl left behind. October is loving me exactly as I am, and I am loving October back.

This is my Now

I wouldn't classify myself as a happy person. I feel happy sometimes when I do something for someone. I love the look on their face when I can catch them by surprise by something I say to them. Making other people feel good makes me feel good. My moments of happiness always involve someone else, and it's always when I do something, just because. Perhaps it's like a recipe...maybe I have the ingredients right, but I'm not really mixing and meshing them correctly.

I've decided that this is my time to start living. This is my Now. I'm 24 years old. I've wanted so badly to have my own family...I want to have a baby. But I want to do it right. I want to have someone to go home to, someone to wake up next to, someone to share my happy moments with...someone I'm ecstatic to introduce to my family. I want someone to want those things from me, back. I want to fight over who is balancing the checkbook and who's getting up to coddle the crying baby in the middle of the night. I want someone to discover all that I have to offer in little bitty Me. I want all of that. That's my American Dream. I already have the good job...now I need someone to share myself with.

So, here is the plan: I have to take myself out of my comfort zone. Since I was 17, the moment a relationship has gotten too deep, I've freaked out and taken a hike. I've been justifying it to myself blaming it on the rape, but I can only do that for so long. I need to make a life with someone else now. I have come a long way, and I love myself enough now to say and believe that it would be a waste if I didn't put myself out there a little bit and let someone love me. It might not be comfortable for me, getting there, but I have to. To get these things I want...all the pieces of my American Dream, I have to be open. I have to let someone else know me; I mean really Know me. I have to show people who I am and that I am secure and love who I am...and pray like hell that someone else will love me, too. I want this so bad, I can think of little else. So here's to a change of priorities. When someone catches my eye, I'm going to put myself in a situation that enables me to converse with them, make eye contact, and get hooked. Apparently the eye contact part is important, because from what I have been told, that is where my personality shines. So, I'm ready. It's all or nothin...and I have to act now while I'm in my prime, or this ultimate dream of mine is going to pass me by and I'll end up some lonely crumpled sad waste of a wonderful life. I'm puttin my game face on, and I'm ready for this. I'm ready for all of it. It's not a race, it's a marathon. To everyone reading this, pray for me to find my dream.

Be a best friend, tell the truth, and overuse I Love You. Go to work, do your best, don't outsmart your common sense. Never let your prayin' knees get lazy, and love like crazy ♥

God bless, I love you all.

The long road

I'm writing this nearing the end of day two with my splint. It's supposed to get my jaw back in place, and it's supposed to be painless but it's not. My mouth is sore...the splint needs to be adjusted because it's pinching and ripping at the skin at the back of my cheeks. It's getting super raw and part of the problem might be that it's a tad loose. I've taken some tools to it to tighten it up a bit but now my teeth hurt from being too tight. Apparently this thing has to be just perfect. I can't afford to drive to Wauwatosa every day to get the thing adjusted.

I get to take it out when I eat, but it's not really a relief at all. My jaw muscles are so sore that it hurts to chew anything so I'm on a soup and water diet for the next couple of months. I can't wait to get this over with and only have to wear it at night because I am getting shit like you wouldn't believe from my lovely juvenile co-workers. I can't exactly talk well with the thing and they try and provoke certain words or phrases out of me only to point and laugh because it sounds like I'm "special." Seriously? I understand being entertained the first day...but at some point can't you just get over it and bear with me? People need to grow up...just sayin.

On a good note, I'm watching the a volleyball match on the Big 10 network...first indoor match on tv that I've caught of the season. It's cheering me up a bit. Sorry for all of my excessive complaining. I won't whine about the jaw thing anymore...now it's out of my system and I'll tough it up and deal with it.

Unfortunately I've nothing else to write about right now. Indoor starts October 6th and I can't WAIT to get back out there and knock some heads. Until I have something else to write about...

Music

Music is sooo my best friend. I HATE, dread, despise, petition cleaning. I cranked up the tunes, turned the Brewer game on mute, and just went to town. The music seemed to keep me distracted from what I was actually doing. I had to get it done one of these days...and I got a lot done! Dishes are all clean Both bathroom and kitchen floors have been scrubbed down. Vanity in the bathroom has been wiped down (forgot to wipe down the mirror now that I think of it). Threw out the old dried up reed diffuser in the bathroom and opened up the back-up, so now it smells lovely in there instead of dusty cat liter. Took out all the garbage. Vacuumed the floor in the living room, as well as the couch that was covered in cat hair. Cleaned off computer desk from miscellaneous debris. Still working on laundry but that is a multiple-day project.

Still to do: the entire bedroom, clear off/put away things scattered on my coffee table, take the papasan frame out to the garage and bring up the chairs in the garage, put old dvd tower in the garage, put the movies scattered all over my place back where they belong on my floating wall shelves, clean out the fridge (I suspect moldy something or other in there), clean out the freezer (starting to smell like the things that are in there...not good), make sure all my clothes end up in the closet (which still needs to be cleaned and re-organized) or in the dresser, clean OUT my desk, throw out tshirts with holes in the armpits, match up my socks and throw out the long-time unpaired leftovers...alright now I'm just getting detailed. Made lots of progress and the cats are satisfied with the amount of space on the floor for them to lounge. Getting there! It will be next week though before I have a good chunk of time to get the rest of my stuff done. Next in line though is definitely my bedroom, and after that I can tackle the more minor things listed above.

Here is what the rest of my week looks like, and the beginning of next week...

Tomorrow I will get up and do another load of laundry, maybe take the time to do my hair for once, go to work. I have the Thursday vball league Tournament. We are entering the tournament in first place with a record of 50-4. Our team plays at 7:15 but I will be so pumped I'll show up just to watch the action before we're on. Everyone will be rooting against us, as they have been all year. No one has been able to pull ahead of us all season so they are waiting for someone to take us down. We are, afterall, the reigning Thursday champs from last year :)

Friday I may or may not have to work. If I do have to work it will only be half a day. After that I will come home and pack, maybe try and get some more laundry done. At 3:00 I can head to the City of Delavan to pick up my paycheck, which I need for gas money and stuff for the road trips I have between Friday and Monday. Then I'll head up to the Wilderness in the Dells for some R&R with some really great company (family and friends that I am proud to consider family).

Saturday morning I have to come back home. I have the big Como Tournament/Pig Roast around 1:00. That is an all day affair. It will include teams from any of the como league nights, free food, and great volleyball.

Sunday is my cousin's birthday party. He is turning 4 and we are having a bowling party. I am going to try and get my new bowling ball drilled at some point before I head up to the Dells...anyway the party should be a blast because there's go cart racing going on and air hockey and stuff too.

Monday I have another half day at work because I have a 2:00 appointment in Wauwatosa at the TMJ specialist. Hopefully that won't take longer than a half hour, as the drive is about an hour each way, and I have the first night of bowling to get back home for. As nominated and voted on by my league, I am now the league VP and have to be present for the opening meeting. I also happen to be my team's captain, so I can represent both at the same time. I just have to be back in Delavan by 5:45. Should be a piece of cake, I think.

Tuesday after work I will go to see Leah for Taco Tuesday and my aunt and uncle's house a couple blocks from me. I look forward to it because I like to walk there or ride my bike, and I'll need it because I'll not have worked out for over a week at that point (due to lack of time/circumstance). Not sure how Leah will be though. She usually loves Auntie Rinner and reaches for me when I walk in the door, won't let me leave her eye sight when I'm there. This past week she was staring at me all night, but wouldn't come near me. She's in a "I want mommy" stage right now, so I understand. It still makes me sad.

Wednesday I will have time to work out! I'll also have time possibly to get some more cleaning done :) And after that, who knows. I'm not usually so booked tight every single day of the week, it's just been a crazy one. I wonder if the universe was listening to me when I asked for distractions for the 1st year anniversary of Beth's death. Everything just sort of fell in to place for me to be jam-packed busy all week. I will be glad when I can relax though, and not be so "GO GO GO" for a while.

Thanks for listening to my pointless rambling. You guys are the best!

Written

I don't care if it's stupid and amateur. I know that it is. I didn't write it to impress anybody. I wrote it to make myself feel better. It didn't work. I'm afraid this is all I'm good for right now...bad writing.

I'm off to dream of memories
and things I should have said
but I will find no comfort
while I lie awake in bed.

I sometimes see her in the moon
and watch her watching me.
This night will be different
'cause I'll dream to stay in a dream;

A dream to sit and talk to her
like no time's passed at all.
I will wait for holidays
and birthday when she'll call.

But, perhaps I shouldn't dream.
I know she'll never call.
I fear I'll wake without her
and I do not want to fall.

So I'll not sleep and I'll not dream.
I know what's drawing near.
I've dreaded it for far too long;
the day she's been gone a year.

I don't want to feel anymore

A really great friend of mine told me years ago while I was struggling with depression that you have to let yourself feel it. Let yourself feel everything. Normally I will take on anything stressful with those words in mind. Don't try to avoid it, just take it head on and it won't be as bad as putting it off or trying to act like it doesn't exist.

Ok...so I'm feeling everything right now and I want out. I feel Beth but she's not there...I feel excited to go back to school but I can't afford it. I feel sick from some flu bug...and I obviously don't want to feel that. Maybe everything else that I am feeling is magnified BECAUSE I'm sick. Or maybe it actually is a lot to feel right now and I'm looking for excuses. Who knows. But I want out.

Lot's going on in the next 8 days: Tomorrow is mom's birthday, and also the last day of softball for the summer. I am still waiting for my July check from the city. I don't think I can follow-through on my Friday plans if I don't have the check by then because I need that check for gas money and food...anyway, moving on. Monday (and Wednesday) I'm cleaning so Bob can come by this weekend and install the programmable thermostat and a water saving shower thingy. Tuesday I will see Leah, like every Tuesday night. Wednesday...cleaning as I said above. Thursday, volleyball tournament (which we are going into as first place team). Friday...tentatively driving up to the Dells after work to visit Pete and Dorothy and the kids (if I get that check from the city). Saturday is the BIG como volleyball tournament, free pig roast and stuffs. Sunday, nothing really...and NEXT Monday is my TMJ consultation (cross our fingers I have enough remaining insurance coverage to the year to take care of the hardware I'll have to get), and the first night of bowling. So big week ahead: lots of volleyball, TMJ consult, cleaning....and somehow I need to try my best and get overtime in there because I really need the money.

I know, I know. I'm just complaining. Notice I failed to mention Tuesday will be hell...as will tomorrow and Monday in anticipation. I haven't been here before...and everyone is telling me the first year is the hardest. I need love and thoughts on Tuesday, peeps. Thank you in advance for the light you bring to my life.

Home

By: Anonymous

God looked around His garden,
And He found an empty place.
He then looked down upon this Earth,
And saw your tired face.

He put His arms around you,
And lifted you to rest.
God's garden must be beautiful.
He always takes the best.

He knew you were suffering.
He knew you were in pain.
He knew that you would never
Get well on Earth again.

He saw that the road was getting rough
And the hills were hard to climb,
So He closed your weary eyelids
And whispered, "Peace by Thine."

It broke our hearts to lose you,
But you didn't go alone.
For part of us went with you
The day God called you home.